I had a moment of confusion. Looking at DNA matches, that match didn’t make sense. They share WAY too much DNA with my father for the second cousin their tree indicated. How is that possible? I frantically built out more trees, compared the shared matches, and asked cousins to share their match lists. Then I went through the discovery stage. This could be a Non-Paternity Event (NPE). This scenario could have happened. Marriage dates are a little off. Someone is listed in another household. I put myself back in time: what could have occurred? And suddenly, I am viewing my great-grandfather in a different way.

As DNA discoveries go, this is a very mild case of oh sh--. I know others who have been more seriously rocked when they get that DNA match list. My great-grandfather has long since passed away. None of his living relatives knew him. Truthfully, family barely knew of him. But it still drives home a fact we must confront in our family history journey — our ancestors were human.

Sometimes we forget that these individuals who did so much to establish who you are today were plagued with the same human qualities we confront today: fear, mistakes, lies, judgement calls that may not have been “right.”

This cognitive dissonance needs to be addressed when researching or writing about our ancestors’ lives. Without confronting, and accepting, their flaws along with their attributes we do them, and ourselves, a disservice. Accepting that our forebears got some things wrong enables us to also accept our flaws and mistakes — which is how we grow and become better humans.

DNA isn’t the only way we may be confronted with our ancestors’ transgressions. While they didn’t have social media to record their activities, other records do still exist. Children born out of wedlock, even before birth records, can still be found in records. Court cases may exist, requiring the father to provide monetary support for the child. Court records, now easily searched with FamilySearch’s full text search, can reveal these records. I was able to confirm siblings of one ancestor because they were listed as sureties should their brother fail to pay the county for the upkeep of a child he fathered out of wedlock.

Mortgage records can also provide insight into our ancestors’ financial abilities. The county likely kept a record of mortgages on a property — and a sheriff’s sale may reveal our ancestors’ inability to pay off their debts. Were they bankrupted during the Great Depression? Did a series of droughts lead them to lose their land? The financial fallout from the Civil War caused many Southern families to lose their land. Acknowledging the hardships our ancestors faced is no betrayal but gives us the honest picture of their struggles and failures, along with their successes. Our failure to confront the hard parts of their lives doesn’t protect them.

Oral history often conveys only the good but not always. Some family members may have inherited a different version of the story. Perhaps their forebears were less uncomfortable with these stories, or there was bad blood that made these stories more acceptable. Faithfully gathering all these stories, and keeping an open mind, is essential if you want to tell your ancestor's story.

My favorite workout guru has a saying, “get comfortable being uncomfortable.” This not only applies to going up to that next weight but also researching a family. You may come across an ancestor who owned slaves. Reading their documents — probates, deeds selling other humans — is certainly uncomfortable. But telling their tale is essential, not only for your history, but for others whose lives were affected by this practice and time period. We must learn, not hide, these stories simply because it is hard for us to hear or read.

I will always tell your ancestors’ stories as faithfully as I tell my own ancestors’ stories. Detailing their foibles, hardships, and mistakes is not a judgement on them but an honest and compassionate story of their lives. Something that we should all value and strive to leave. Our ancestors deserve an honest accounting of their lives, and your family deserves a researcher who will pursue that truth carefully and discreetly.